So, my husband is in a locked room and I'm waiting and waiting and waiting to find out what is going to happen next. I've met with the on site psychologist, cried, talked and cried again. I get sent back to some "special" waiting room and I'm all by myself until the psychologist comes back to find me. I think I was waiting for at least 2 hours and I still had not seen my husband since they took him back into the patient area.
Finally, I'm allowed to go and see him. Yep, it's a locked room with a single bed, no decorations, no cords, no outlets, and he is only wearing hospital pants. He is happy to see me and seems in a completely different frame of mind. He's happy... which completely throws me off. When we arrived, he was ready to get some help and thought he might need to stay at the hospital for a while. Now, it's like he just cut himself while cooking and since he's all bandaged up, it's time to leave. I don't know what to do because I've never been in this kind of situation before. Do I believe him that he's really ok, or do I believe the psychologist and request that he stay in the hospital (in a special psych area). How do I decide? Who can I tell without them judging me? I feel numb because I am so emotional because of the pregnancy and I don't know how much more I can take without completely breaking down.
In the end, we decide that we should go home. He should call his psychiatrist when we get home to discuss his options. And, he should make an emergency appointment with the psychiatrist to talk about his state of mind before, during and after his cutting. So, in the car we go... I drive home and we hardly talk. It's like it didn't happen because I don't want to bring it up again, and he doesn't want to talk about it either. How are we going to make it through this? Things will never be the same.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
The Beginning
Two years ago my husband tried to commit suicide. This is the first I have written about this because I didn't want any record of the events for my family or children. I have changed my mind and decided to try and get my feelings out to heal. I was 4 months pregnant at the time and we had just had a slight argument. I wanted to talk about what we were going to do after the baby was born and if I would be able to be a full time mom and leave my job. I didn't have all of the info researched about the cost of childcare and he asked why I brought the subject up if I didn't have anything to talk about. It hurt that he was so forceful when I just wanted to talk about future plans. We left the restaurant and didn't speak on the way home. After arriving home, I went into the bedroom to rest and my husband decided to leave again. I didn't see him again for about 8 hours. I called and called but no answer. I only slept about maybe an hour due to being completely exhausted. Needless to say, I was pissed that he stayed out all night and I didn't have any idea where he had gone. He left me. That's all that kept going through my mind... he left me.
Finally at about 6am he came home. I was ready to fight about him leaving, and the only thing he said was to ask me to come into the living room to talk. He had his hands in his pockets but I didn't really notice at the time. He started by saying that he did something and he didn't want me to freak out. Then he showed me his hands. They were completely bloody and sliced. He had cut the top of both hands and his wrists with a box cutter. He had tried to cut deep enough but wasn't able to go through with it.
I learned later that he had driven to a secluded place (that we had visited once before on a road trip) that was about 2 hours from our house. He then explained the night to me and his steps after he left our house. He bought a case of beer, some blades for the box cutter, some snacks and just started to drive. He drank a lot, then tried to break a beer bottle over his own head and after that didn't work, he tried to cut himself. He was at this place for quite a few hours and then decided to drive again. And yes, he had been drinking, and still was when he left. He ended up at a rest stop and decided to sleep (or pass out, I'm not sure) before he came home. I am glad that he didn't hurt anyone else because of his selfishness. He was only thinking about himself and could have killed someone by drinking and driving.
I told him how I felt about him leaving me and suggested that we call his psychiatrist. Once we did that, we went to the emergency room. I told them the wounds were self inflicted and they put him in a special room (locked) with nothing but a bed and a chair. The family counselor on duty spoke with me and I had to provide all of my personal details and how things were with us. It was so awful to try and think about how strong I needed to be as the mother of my unborn child, and as a wife to my depressed husband. I would soon find out just how strong I actually needed to be.
Finally at about 6am he came home. I was ready to fight about him leaving, and the only thing he said was to ask me to come into the living room to talk. He had his hands in his pockets but I didn't really notice at the time. He started by saying that he did something and he didn't want me to freak out. Then he showed me his hands. They were completely bloody and sliced. He had cut the top of both hands and his wrists with a box cutter. He had tried to cut deep enough but wasn't able to go through with it.
I learned later that he had driven to a secluded place (that we had visited once before on a road trip) that was about 2 hours from our house. He then explained the night to me and his steps after he left our house. He bought a case of beer, some blades for the box cutter, some snacks and just started to drive. He drank a lot, then tried to break a beer bottle over his own head and after that didn't work, he tried to cut himself. He was at this place for quite a few hours and then decided to drive again. And yes, he had been drinking, and still was when he left. He ended up at a rest stop and decided to sleep (or pass out, I'm not sure) before he came home. I am glad that he didn't hurt anyone else because of his selfishness. He was only thinking about himself and could have killed someone by drinking and driving.
I told him how I felt about him leaving me and suggested that we call his psychiatrist. Once we did that, we went to the emergency room. I told them the wounds were self inflicted and they put him in a special room (locked) with nothing but a bed and a chair. The family counselor on duty spoke with me and I had to provide all of my personal details and how things were with us. It was so awful to try and think about how strong I needed to be as the mother of my unborn child, and as a wife to my depressed husband. I would soon find out just how strong I actually needed to be.
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